Tuesday, November 8, 2011

How to Trick Yourself Into the Best Shape of Your Life

Oh y'know, just me being athletic and stuff.

Step 1: Move to a remote Andean village at an altitude of 9,160 feet.

Step 2: Live there for a month, wheezing your way through light to moderate physical activity.

Step 3: Contract every stomach bug known to man so you have no choice but to avoid the high-fat, high-rice Peruvian diet.

Step 4: Go for "a run" that looks something like this:
Substep 1: Walk the entire way to a remote destination so that "the locals don't think you're weird." Keep in mind that you're really doing this to postpone running as long as possible.
Substep 2: Find the perfect little road/trail and start running.
Substep 3: 30 seconds later, stop running and start wheezing out of your mind.
Substep 4: Repeat above, with walking breaks of about 5 minutes in between, until you get to a really difficult hill.
Substep 5: Stop at said hill to "take in the view." Decide this is the perfect place to turn around.
Substep 6: Run all the way down the hill (with some flats in between) so you feel like an accomplished runner by the time you get all the way down.
Substep 7: Walk when you get back into town. You don't need any more awkward stares than you already get on a daily basis.

Step 5: Attempt to do the strength routine in the outdated issue of Glamour that you bought to read on the plane and haven't touched in a month. Decide that 1 set, instead of the recommended 3, is more than enough (especially with your squeaky floor on the 2nd floor, you don't want your downstairs neighbors thinking your seizing).

Step 6: Repeat for the remaining 6 weeks of your trip. (HAHAHHHAHAA)

Step 7: Move back to sea level and VOILA! you're in the best shape of your life!

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